Making friends is one hell of an anxiety attack waiting to
happen, for most introverts you discover they will have a small group of people
who they communicate with who are their close friends. These are people that
they have slowly adjusted to being around to do social events with to some
degree. The rest of their friends consist of online only, mostly people they
have meet in person a few times to not at all in their lifetime. Some of the happiest
people who have large groups of outgoing friends can be introverts. introverts
are masters of hiding in plain sight so that they can blend in without being
noticed overly much. So, you want to
make a friend online, you go online and start chatting with someone then you
click on the button for send a friend request or follow and done. For an
introvert the acts are a little more extreme then that.
You go online to say Facebook; a friend’s post is very funny
and you want to comment so bad. So, you sit there and write out something you
like. then you dissect it into parts and analyze every word as you slowly feel
the panic rising inside you. Is it funny enough, do you seem witty, is that
something no one else with understand, that little voice in your head is
picking apart every word you have typed in. finally you come to the decision
that its perfect, you are safe you can breathe, and the panic goes away. Just as you are about to push the submit
button you see that while you where painstakingly writing something that would
come off just right. someone else has posted something along the same lines or
the comment same as though it was nothing at all.
The panic jumps back into place in your chest, your breath
is a little rapid now. You stare at the screen and moan a little. why so know
you need to write something new and it all begins again. Finally, your happy a
new comment has been written, your okay with it. its better then the first one
you tell yourself as you shush the voice inside and slowly breath out. You look
at the comment section before you click the button and 2 more new comments have
been posted. why don’t you ever learn, why can’t they hold off and not post
until you are done posting your comment, why is everything out to get you. You can’t breathe you can see the screen. Somewhere
in the panic-stricken spot that is you, a voice whispers fuck it, just post the
comment, turn off the screen there is ice-cream in the fridge grab it and run. You
can live in the mountains where there are only animals to contend with. Nice animals,
trees and streams …. Yes, you nod your head with the voice like its real and
you hit the button. your hand reaches for the screen to turn it off and you
start walking to the fridge. as your hand reaches for the ice-cream you realize
just what you did. noooo you moan out, what was I thinking goes through your
head. So, you run back to the computer but this time armed with the ice-cream
container and the spoon. You turn on the
screen and stare at your comment, now comes the pure terror. spoon hanging out
of your mouth from an attempt to sooth the voice of panic with this bribe, you
click the refresh button with shaky hands.
5 minutes’ passes, no more comments after yours. Your hands
shake as you spoon ice-cream into your mouth with your left hand. Your right hand
is stuck to the mouse and you are clicking the refresh button like a lunatic. 10
minutes’ pass and no more comments or likes. You can’t eat the ice-cream because
your stomach hurts so much and you are breathing to erratically. Is it
something I said? Do they not like me? Am I that strange? you have by now
reread your comment so many times its memorized and been picked apart from so
many angles from the little voice that is your anxiety. You talk yourself into
leaving the commuter to go lie down on the couch. It’s a safe place, besides if
no one cares to comment or like after your comment what will they care if you
lie down and die. Hugging the ice-cream
that is now melting you crawl to the couch and proceed to stare aimlessly at
the screen of the tv. After what seems like a lifetime of listening to the
voice of anxiety brake you down piece by little piece you hear your phone
notifications going off. That sound is like angels singing and pulls you out of
the hell you have created for yourself. You
jump up and rush to the computer, all hope in that refresher click. breath held
there it is, you breathe a sigh of relief a comment and a like. While you stare in wonder at this amazing
lifeline and smile just a little you are so liberated from the last bits of
anxiety hell. people do like you its okay and the best part is you never had to
leave your safe house. You reach out and make a comment back, nothing to big
just 3 words picked just as painstakingly as the first ones and with just as
much panic over if they are right. You hit send and wait. A new comment comes
back and you in your immediate happy light glee reach out and hit the friend
request button.
Just as the notification clicks that its been sent, the
realization of what you have done hits home. Cold shivers set in, pure panic,
cold hard compressed feeling in your chest of being squeezed alive, you cant breath,
the air has been sucked from the room, your head is light and yet hurts so
much, you will yourself to die, dying would be much better then this. What is
that noise you are hearing who turned on a fan. you sit suspended in time in
this hell for a few minutes and slowly it dawns on you, that noise that sounds
like a broken fan, air being moved franticly about in a wheezing pattern is
your breathing. why do I sound like that comes across your mind, how do I stop
that noise, stop it you yell at yourself and it continues anyway. Trapped you
stay like that for what seems like hours, listening to your heart pound in your
chest and the irritating breathing noises. Which one is worse you can not say
but they persistently go on. until finally they stop. It is quiet, you can breathe,
the room warms up. the shaking you had not noticed until now is fading away. your
alive, okay and the world did not end. You sent a friend request.
Now all you can do is wait because if you cancel that friend
request they will think you hate them, or dislike them or you are rude, a racist,
a sexist, a cruel bastard to take away a friendship when they needed one. Omg do
they need you, you cry out in your head, yes, they do they need a friend and
are stuck in some bad situation waiting all this time for someone to reach out
and you finally did. don’t worry you say to the computer screen I see you, I’m
here. You sit tall in your seat ready to defend your new friend from whatever
trouble falls them just as soon as they accept your friend request. only they don’t!
it shows as still pending. you click refresh maybe its slow. Nope nothing, as time goes on you realize
that maybe just maybe they did not need you and your over reacting, that’s right
you freaked out over nothing. So, you breath and then that little voice that
never leaves says so since there is no problem or trouble they are in why did
they not accept your friend request hum??? Maybe its because your needy, or
weird , or stalkerish in your comments , or did you insult them ? are you
coming on to strong as a person I mean they only commented back and forth with
you twice and you sent them a friend request , what where you thinking . the panic sets in and you are back on the
couch, ice-cream has melted and so you pull a blanket over your head. inside
your safe fort, you began to make the mental plans for the move to the mountains.
It will be nice there, you will bring warm cloths and a frying pan, some seed
for planting and a shovel. You will get a book on edible pants from the library
just as soon as you can face the librarian and take it with you. who cares
about late charges when your living off the grid in the mountains. At some point, you fall asleep well content on
the plains for your big move and accepting of the fact that accepted friend
request or not you don’t need it in the mountains.
